Humour

From UCSC Wiki

Note : Let's keep this clean and non-derogatory of any individual or community (except our own maybe!)

Administratium

Press Release: UCS Lecturer discovers new element:

[Many thanks to University College Suffolk Newsletter for permission to print this article]

UCS's remaining Physicist (just before she left to take a more comfortable Chair at UCLA in Theoretical Administration) recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element tentatively named as Administratium (AD), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0.

However it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 11 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memos. Since it has no electrons Administratium is inert. However it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present.

According to its discoverer, a small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second last over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganisation in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places.

Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganisation.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to found on college and university campuses, and in large corporation and Government centres, the near the best-appointed and best-maintained building.

Steganography

Note: Steganography is the art/science of hiding things in plain view.

LETTER TO VICE PRESIDENT:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
- Project Leader

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A SUBSEQUENT MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE ABOVE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards.

The Ultimate chain letter

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's e x-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!

HAVE A GREAT DAY! J